Gross Morning

For the first time in a few days, I have woken up and not found it raining outside, and yet so far it has been one of those mornings.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Right before bed, among a ton of little worries, my wandering mind happened on thoughts of T-Bone (my dog) dieing. I don’t know why, but it’s not the first time; I suppose I don’t feel like I spend enough time with the little guy. With a pet, it’s hard to really substitute any other sort of interaction, since, unlike a person, you can’t call on the phone or write an e-mail. Anyway, I don’t know if any of that train of thought made sense, but he’s getting old, and on the rare occasion that thought gets to me, I feel incredibly sad that he doesn’t sleep with me anymore.

Of course, my first thought after that was being mad at myself for not thinking the same thing about any of my loved ones. So naturally right away I did. Anyway, by the time I got to sleep,  a perfectly normal night had started seeming pretty dismal.

Now, this morning, I am still in the same funk. I just finished making the sponge for the bread. Today may well be strike three with nothing near the first time’s success. I hate to even say it, but I’m pretty ready to give up, and go buy instant yeast if I want to make bread again.

I should really call George today at the farm if I want to work there, but after last night’s enthusiasm I am having second thoughts. First, because having a replacement on hand doesn’t really make up for agreeing to do a job for someone and then blowing them off. This applies just as well to my part time with Rhodes Group (as their graphic designer), which would be eclipsed by what I imagine are long farm hours while I still haven’t gotten most of the work done for them I promised. Secondly, and really more importantly then that, I just woke up this morning asking myself what I was doing, applying to a farm when I have no experience and am not even that good with people anyway. They’re bad excuses, but right now they feel pretty powerful.

I’m going to go exercise (well, my tiny attempt at a regimen, which I did Friday or Saturday and not since, and which Moi laughed at when she heard), and shower, so that I can work a little for Rhodes before lunch and tending the garden this afternoon. I think maybe working in a walk with T-bone somewhere will help a little. At least, I hope, it’ll help me sleep a little easier tonight.

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