Low Tolerances

I’ve found – and if you’ve gone though something similar, please feel free to share – that since breaking up with Moi, a lot of things have changed, but none of them have been what I’ve expected. Or, I should say, which changes are significant has been surprising. The whole bit about helping her with man troubles, wherein the man is not me, is new, but not at all unexpected with our bizarre and rarely well understood relationship. It comes with the territory.

Rather, the things which have been really grating on my nerves are related to the breakup by, at best, two or three degrees of separation. For the most part, though, they follow an understandable pattern.

One is how often I am ahead on my homework. I know, I know, I shouldn’t complain, least of all while in the middle of a weeks worth of difficult assignments and big exams. Still, there is something strange about the sitting in my room on a Saturday night and having no work to do. I know I will have work by the same time Monday night, but for the moment, I am up to speed. Surprisingly, while this should inspire relaxation or pride, it just inspires boredom. I think I need a looming deadline for me to really be able to relax (read: forget about work for a while), whereas simply not having work feels like, well, waiting.

Moving on.

I find it frustrating talking to people for very long, because inevitably Moi, or girlfriends at large, or something with some distant relationship to Moi comes up, and I have to explain the situation. Even if that explanation is no longer then amending “My girlfriend always…” to make it “My ex-girlfriend always,” it interrupts my thoughts.That, though, is just a function of time. As time goes on, I’ll have more news to share with people that doesn’t involve her. So, onward.

A peculiar and very strong feeling I’ve had lately is being completely sick of pleasantries. I naturally have a lonerish slant, so I suppose I am disposed to resent those anyway, but goodness! I never realized how many people I was polite to. I’ll say this: I have no taste for families. Mine, yes, but anyone else’s, not with a ten foot pole. What pressure there is, to be wonderfully acceptable! I suppose that is always an issue.

I notice it a lot with friends, too, though. I haven’t lost my affinity for listening to my friends problems and given advice where I can, but I’ve noticed that I am more direct with them. Most often, I think, we subconsciously temper our speech to make them feel better. Instead, I feel like I have lately been quick to tell them the truth as I see it and if it hurts them… Well, I don’t know. Maybe they need to hear it. Maybe I just don’t have the patience to let them down slow. I do wonder, though, if they’ve noticed at all.

If other people’s relationships are frustrating, imagine how mine go. (Dangerous topic, I know. My loved ones will pry. Love you all!) For some reason the phrase girl drama has been prominent in my mind lately. I know, I know, I am asking for trouble writing that, but please believe me, I am not proposing any direct correlation. I only mean it in the sense of all the complicated things a heterosexual man such as myself must consider while in any sort of relationship with one of the fairer sex (yeah, that phrase is probably off limits too). There are a few people I’d really like to talk to, lay some things out, and ask some big questions. Fortunately, I have been able to have exactly these discussions with some of them. With others, well… I am not such a loner that I don’t know asking some questions at the wrong time can dictate the answer. For now, I’m doing my best to put those concerns out of mind.

Finally, I have a very low tolerance for myself right now. Why? Because I’m not tracking my spending this year! I’m not spending any time in New York, so it should be a piece of cake to save money. Yet I’m not. Where is it going? Not a clue! So I need to get back to that. Muy pronto.

I think that’s enough for now. More tomorrow!

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One Response to “Low Tolerances”

  1. Momma Says:

    Heh…girl drama….

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